I hope that one day you will read this and understand a bit more about why I have changed my life so completely.
Before, when I was going out to work, it didn’t make me happy. I know it was good to have a regular monthly income coming in, so that we could go on nice holidays and I could treat you a lot more than I can now. But I would pick you up from nursery and be stressed from my day at work, and be even more stressed at the thought of not having enough energy or enthusiasm to play with you both properly, and be the mum that you so deserved. My days at work become mind-numbing, staring at numbers on a computer to try and save money for a company that I had lost respect for. I had given my heart and soul but got no thanks in return, and it was wearing me down.
I wanted to be the stay at home mum who would make exciting craft ideas and cupcakes, and keep her kitchen spotless all at the same time. I wanted to ease your fears at starting school, and be there for every drop off and pick up so that you would feel like the most loved little boy ever.
So I left my job and expected a miracle mum-makeover. But it didn’t come. I couldn’t be the Pinterest mum that I so yearned to be. I know that I stepped back from you, and for that I am so sorry, you hadn’t done anything wrong. I was scared, and frustrated, that I had made this big change but it hadn’t changed me.
Now it feels different, I have found something that I really like to do, and I think I am moving towards being the mum that you deserve. It is writing, not numbers, that keeps me awake at night for the right reasons. I can’t wait to write about the new books we’ve read together or the fun new things we’ve been trying.
I know you get cross with me when I’m on my laptop and you want to play, but I hope you will understand that writing helps me. I’ve not found exactly the right balance yet but I’m working on it. Writing has opened my eyes to new possibilities and given me confidence; I feel like I’m finding out who I am for the first time ever, and hopefully that will make me a better mum to you two.
Mummy Coconuts xx