I am delighted to be featuring a guest post from a close friend of mine, who unexpectedly lost her father last year. Here, she reflects on life six months later…
How are you? Do you need anything? Always here if you need me.
I am very fortunate to have people around me asking these questions after the loss of my Dad however how do you answer them? I have no idea how I am or at least how to put this into words. I have no idea what I need, and I wish I did have something I knew would fix these feelings. I know if I text or call you, you will be there like a shot, but I also know you all have lives and things going on, why should I dampen your mood with my feelings.
Since losing my Dad I feel empty and lonely and exhausted by being social. How ever the ironic thing is being social this has probably kept me sane. Funny isn’t it? When I say sociable, I feel like I have gone back to school and am in my drama lessons, where I learnt to be somebody else. Where I realised I didn’t have to be the real me to get through life I could put on a front of confidence and tackle anything.Whats the saying “Fake it until you make it”
I have thrown myself into work which happens to be a Job I was offered a few days before my Dad’s passing. I am sad that he is not here to see what I am achieving but somehow feel he is the reason I did get this opportunity. Everyone grieves in different ways but does everyone feel guilty for how they grieve? I know I do. I haven’t stayed at home and shut myself away from the world and sobbed. Not because my dad wasn’t my world but the opposite. I am scared if I do shut myself away from the world I may never come back. Unfortunately with this comes guilt. Does my Dad see me carrying on thinking I didn’t cherish him. Do my friends and family think I’m cold and heartless?
A very good friend of mine gave me words that stuck with me and gave me strength to believe in my grief by saying “You may never come to terms with yours dad’s passing and you may never wake up one morning and feel the true pain of it. But you now need to live the ‘new normal’ without him”. This made complete sense to me and allowed me to dust myself off and carry on being comfortable in how I was acting.
I suspect I do need to speak with a counsellor at some stage about the actual incident to just allow that to be said and put to bed. However for now I will continue doing what I am doing. It may not be right but it doesn’t feel wrong for me.
I don’t know who I expect to read this if anyone but writing helps me make sense of my thoughts and my message is, in grieve just be you. There is no right or wrong or no time limit. I am definitely no expert and have no idea how I will feel tomorrow but today was a writing day so I went with it.
Photo by Pepe Reyes on Unsplash